cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
