meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
