Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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