Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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