i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
