I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
