He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
