I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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