I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
