Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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