pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
