god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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