I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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