Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
