matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
