Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
