I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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