he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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