I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
