I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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