it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
