I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
