You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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