I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
