i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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