and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
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Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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