I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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