im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
