did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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