my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
