i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she looked like the before picture.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
