i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
