i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
