3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
