Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
