Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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