My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
