My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
