..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
