come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
