i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
