Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
