i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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