I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
