today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
