I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
our cab driver is having phone sex.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
