Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
