I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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