its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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