My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
