you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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