a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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