I heard we made out
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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