Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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