you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
