i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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