I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
