well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
