between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm getting married
To pizza
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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